Myth 1. Punishment will change bad behavior
- Punishment does have its uses
- Research shows that punishment works temporarily
- It is relatively ineffective because it does not teach a child what to do and it doesn’t reward desired behavior
Myth 2. More reminders lead to be better behavior
Asking a child to clean his room 30 times won’t increase the likelihood of it happening! Research indicates that nagging decreases the likelihood of the desired behavior occurring.
ABCs
Antecedent the action that comes before the behavior (e.g., asking the child to clean the room)
Behavior the child cleaning up the room)
Consequence positive (e.g., praise or some other reward) or negative (e.g., punishment)
- The research indicates that positive consequences are more effective as negative ones.
Myth 3. Explaining to your child why the behavior is wrong will lead him or her to stop that behavior
- Explanations may be great for building knowledge, improving reasoning skills or for teaching moral understanding, but it is rarely effective for changing behavior.
- Children are no different than adults. We know that overeating or smoking is bad for our health but that knowledge is likely insufficient to change our behavior.
- Effective explanations that are specific and helpful as well as opportunities to practice good behavior are the keys!
Myth 4. Lots of praise spoils your child
- Praising effectively is one of the most effective tools for changing your child’s behavior
- Praise should specific (e.g., “I like the way you are coloring in the lines.”)
- Praise in sufficient quantity
- Reward with hugs, kisses, our your undivided attention
Myth 5. Doing it once or twice means your child can do it regularly
- We wrongly assume that because your child has completed a task correctly, he now knows how to do it each and every time.
- Inconsistent behavior isn’t unique to children. Adults struggle with this also. Do we eat healthy meals every day? Do we pass up the french fries for a salad at every opportunity?
- We need to help the child to establish a pattern of desired behavior.
Myth 6. My other child did not need special training or a program so this child shouldn’t need them, either.
There is variation in the development of the physical, cognitive and behavioral skills of children. In some children their large muscles develop faster than their social skills or vision. Overall, boys usually develop slower than girls. Try not to be overly concerned about statistical averages. Try to focus on helping your child to master skills based on his own set of strengths and weaknesses.
Myth 7. My child is just being manipulative.
Research indicates children are no more manipulative than the rest of us! In fact, they may be less so. it may be our interpretation that a child is being manipulative. For example, when your child screams, to stop the unbearable noise, you give him your undivided attention and perhaps give him what he wants. What does this do? It has trained the child to resort to this behavior to get our attention. You may have unwittingly reinforced a pattern of behavior!
Adapted from: Kazdin, A.E. Method for Parenting the Defiant Child: With No Pills, No Therapy, No Contest of Will. New York Houghton Mifflin Company, 2008.
Dr. Adrine McKenzie, Licensed Psychologist
Children, Adolescents & Families